A Slow, Agonizing Pain

Recent events have plunged me into an unexplored region of myself; a dark pain within me that attempts to bleed me out slowly. Having lost all moods and passions to do utterly anything but lament, this pain was fed full from all the negative emotions, and grew to a considerable size and stature. Although nothing serious had befallen myself, it was a tiring and worrisome venture that I was unprepared for, and caught absolutely off balance. The events made me lose flavour in all my previous endeavours, and forced me to think in a pessimistic light (or shadow).

I started to think about all the things I wanted for myself, the things I wanted for her, the things I thought she'd want, the things I wanted for us, the things I wanted but could never have, the things I wanted but could hardly mention. All these things bobbled up and burst constantly, like rising bubbles in boiling water, offering me no time to regain my rationality and calm. I tried to force the thoughts out, to distract myself. But yet after every attempt, I found myself staring back at the wall, feeling the restlessness within me.

I felt it hard to swallow, and even harder to expel it from my system and transfer it to someone else. Who would understand? And apart from understanding, who could provide a solution? I couldn't burden her with this knowledge, knowing it'd certainly weigh upon her mind, and would hinder her rest. Yet the irony is, I can't even seem to voice them out to myself. They appear a mere jumble, an incoherent mess of thoughts and emotions. Perhaps it is something only my subconscious can comprehend.

But alas, the storm has seemed to pass. Like a recovering patient's condition slowly climbs back to the seat of health, so too, will his appetite. But I fear that my appetite might take much longer than the recovery of health. And all those thoughts that came to my consciousness would not simply dissipate after this external ordeal. It lingers, and continues to sting slowly. I fear for both, yet can do nothing about them, except to wait it out. Maybe I am thinking too much toward the pessimistic end, and have skewed the probabilities in the wake of my worries.

I just wish it all to go back to normal.