I can't

I can't do it. There's too much weight on me and it's crushing me. Can't I just admit that I'm pathetic and move on? Why does this all still plague me? I've reduced myself to nothing and yet it keeps coming back.

The war wages on with no bigger loser than myself

To have always prided myself an advocate of logic when it comes to decision-making, I realised only recently that emotions have lost not due to the strengths of logic, but the lack of emotional intensity in itself. While I have always knew the day would come when I would need to inhibit and reign in my passions and emotions, the task in itself now seems beyond me. I was given a preview of this test, and though only a sliver of the actual intensity was felt, it had already proved my undoing.

The tug-of-war between logic and emotions wasn't meant to hurt any party, neither was the collateral damage expected to be of any significance. However, I was erroneous in this assumption; the damage was inexplicable. Feeling so much, yet unable to voice them out proved to be so, so tormenting. Now the full intensity will eventually surface, but I no longer hold any confidence of my total absorption and control of my internal states.

But the reason for my silence owes more to mutuality rather than morality. While I might be encouraged to voice it out, I know that reciprocation can hardly reflect the equal utmost enthusiasm. And while I clearly understand that the imbalance is far too great, and that my passions can never be equalled, it pains me to ask for a reply, a reaction. All or nothing, I should say.

A Slow, Agonizing Pain

Recent events have plunged me into an unexplored region of myself; a dark pain within me that attempts to bleed me out slowly. Having lost all moods and passions to do utterly anything but lament, this pain was fed full from all the negative emotions, and grew to a considerable size and stature. Although nothing serious had befallen myself, it was a tiring and worrisome venture that I was unprepared for, and caught absolutely off balance. The events made me lose flavour in all my previous endeavours, and forced me to think in a pessimistic light (or shadow).

I started to think about all the things I wanted for myself, the things I wanted for her, the things I thought she'd want, the things I wanted for us, the things I wanted but could never have, the things I wanted but could hardly mention. All these things bobbled up and burst constantly, like rising bubbles in boiling water, offering me no time to regain my rationality and calm. I tried to force the thoughts out, to distract myself. But yet after every attempt, I found myself staring back at the wall, feeling the restlessness within me.

I felt it hard to swallow, and even harder to expel it from my system and transfer it to someone else. Who would understand? And apart from understanding, who could provide a solution? I couldn't burden her with this knowledge, knowing it'd certainly weigh upon her mind, and would hinder her rest. Yet the irony is, I can't even seem to voice them out to myself. They appear a mere jumble, an incoherent mess of thoughts and emotions. Perhaps it is something only my subconscious can comprehend.

But alas, the storm has seemed to pass. Like a recovering patient's condition slowly climbs back to the seat of health, so too, will his appetite. But I fear that my appetite might take much longer than the recovery of health. And all those thoughts that came to my consciousness would not simply dissipate after this external ordeal. It lingers, and continues to sting slowly. I fear for both, yet can do nothing about them, except to wait it out. Maybe I am thinking too much toward the pessimistic end, and have skewed the probabilities in the wake of my worries.

I just wish it all to go back to normal.

God vs Darwin: who's to win?

Stay tuned for this highly anticipated match of a lifetime (or many, for that matter)

Yes, I will merely state my opinions and personal stand in this, so don't refer to this as potential scientific reference.

To warm up for this match, do watch a bit of this video first, with popcorn:



I'll be back.

Food for Thought 01

What do you think is the purpose of imposing a fee of 10cents for an entry into a toilet?

1) To earn a small money as an alternative means of generating income for the centre?
2) To deter and hence reduce the usage frequency of the toilets, so as to ultimately save costs in toilet cleaning?